I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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