i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
