I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
