also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
