It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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