Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my shit smells like andre
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
