I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
