Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
