Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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