make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
