Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
