Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
