So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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