I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
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