If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
