Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
