Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
