All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
