Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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