dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
