her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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