I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
