So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
