Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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