Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
