my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Randomize
