New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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