Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
