I'm really into asian looking animals
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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