I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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