You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
