I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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