I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
