Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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