I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
