Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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