If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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