I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
