I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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