you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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