Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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