So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
