My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
my liver is dry heaving
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
