Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
