Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
