You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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