If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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