Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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