the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
