Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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