I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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