I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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